That New Tattoo : Deeper Than My Feet Could Ever Wander

In this blog post, I promised a blog about my *then new* tattoo.
Here it is...

Deeper than my feet could ever wander ...

What does that even mean? I can't walk more than a mile without complaining about some major back pains, so for me, "deeper than my feet could wander" wouldn't be very far at all. But that's not what the song means is it? No, no. It's far more than literal. And like the song, my tattoo means far more than what meets the eye.

When I came home from the World Race, I spoke at different churches and every time I told a story about our final debrief. I'd never heard the recently-made-popular song, Oceans by Hillsong United until the night my squad sang it during worship. I looked around at my squad passionately singing and I thought, "Man, I've gotta get this song, apparently." I later downloaded it and listened to it over and over and over on repeat as I lay in my hot, sticky, bunk bed waiting to fall asleep.

The next morning I woke up early to go with friends to a surf lesson. If you know me, you know I'm deathly afraid of sharks, deep water, and dark water. Even if the water is a foot deep but is dark, no ma'am - it ain't happening! However, it never occurred to me that in order to surf I would, in fact, need to go IN the ocean to find waves. The lesson on sand was cool but not exciting enough. I could not wait to catch a wave and it never struck me that this might be a little scary. Not until I was in deeper water, laying horizontally on my surf board, anyway. My surf partner, Erin, was going first so our instructor was helping her get ready for her first wave while I managed to float off to no-man's land on my own.

With the shore to my back and the horizon in front of me, panic set it. Although the water wasn't deeper than I am tall, I couldn't see further than an inch under it and, as we've just discussed, I was not okay with that. I starting thinking, "What would I do right now if sharks surrounded me? Would I scream? Would I move? Would I die right here on this surf board from a heart attack?" Call me dramatic but I was one scared little beginner. All I could see in front of me was a very large, vast ocean with God-knows-what swimming beneath it's surface. I began to pray for protection against sharks, and eels, and mean fish, and everything else I could think to name in my prayer.

Seconds later, my instructor came over, we started my lesson and I never saw a shark, THANK GOD. I'm obviously still alive to tell you this story. But that night at squad worship, something happened. It was that song. We sang it again. And this time, because I'd listened to it on repeat, I could sing some of the words...

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I closed my eyes and began to picture oceans deep. I saw myself back on that surf board. I can still picture all of this like it happened yesterday. 

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

At debrief our hostel had an amazing view of the beach. The reception area had a large porch that overlooked the beautiful green plants which were growing down the mountain towards the shore (pictured above). This is where our squad met and worshipped together. At night, we would stand on the porch, facing out toward the open air and because it was rainy season, we often sang to the sound of fresh rain and watched the sky light up in the distance with silent, soft bolts (pictured below).

In those final days and moments as a squad, life became surreal. The past 11 months of our lives had been the definition of a roller coaster. They were full of some of the most horrific, scariest, dissatisfying, challenging, brilliant, life-giving, life-altering, life-establishing moments that we'd known. Eleven months before this night, we all had some type of relationship with Jesus - good or bad, we had one. But at that point, in July 2013, standing on the porch of a hostel in Costa Rica, I watched 49 other young people cry out from their gut for Jesus to take them further than their faith could ever dream up; Where their trust is without boarders.

And in that moment, it got real.

Three weeks after that I would be moving back to Costa Rica to do things I'd never been trained to do. To walk through things I had not walked through before. And I would do it all without the 49 other people I'd just spent a a year of intense community with. I didn't know how it would look. I didn't know how it would feel or if I could even do it well.

But I knew this...

If I stay on the shore, I can do it all myself. When my feet are on dry land I'm fearless and independent and I can even be quite successful there. In fact, in the places my feet will stand, I probably don't need God.

So I sing. I cry out. I beg. For a new place.

Because in dark waters, everything is unknown. It's where feet fail and fear surrounds. So why request to go to that place?

For in the new place, I will fail. I will need Grace. I will need my Guide.

And it is there that His power is revealed. There is the place His glory shines brightest.

It is the new place that faith is just that ... faith.

When I posted this picture from debrief, the caption read "Can I just live here?" 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine


Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

the tattoo I promised to blog about ages ago