Look at Me

Women are mean. 

And I woke up with a sore throat. 

And the pain in my back increases by the second. 

And Facebook is covered with tragedy and negativity. 

And it feels like I'm never going to raise the $20,000 I need. 

And headaches don't care if I have work to do or people to see or places to go. 

And I have purses to mail and bracelets to sell and thank-you cards to write. 

And church. And work. And Bible study with my World Race group. And time

with my family. And that phone call from the girl who needs advice. And I have fundraisers

that need planning. And I need to spend time with my sister. And I want to swim. And I'm behind on 

that book I'm reading. Those 8 books I'm reading. And my head swells just from thinking about all this. And just when I think I am about to run out the door screaming and crying with my hands in the air and never looking back ............................................................................................................

"Stop. Put the computer down and step away from the door. You aren't going anywhere." 

Oh, well aren't we feeling bossy today?

He tells me this and it's the sweetest words He could use at that moment. 

"Look at me." -  but I resist like a child avoiding a spanking. 

"No, look at me," He says. "Don't take your eyes off me."

It's like a movie scene. When we've watched 90 minutes of boy-girl chase and finally at the end when everyone involved has been deceived, misunderstood, or just stubborn - boy sees girl through a crowd. Girl notices boy noticing her. They walk towards each other and as they gaze upon the other, everything around them fades. Literally. (We literally see it fade on our TV screen.)

That's what happens. "Don't take your eyes off me," He says, and everything around me fades. 

I sit on my bed, indian style, with worship music and my favorite NLT. Sometimes I sing, sometimes I read, and sometimes I just sit. But as long as I have my eyes on Him, the chaos around me turns to a big blur of neutral colors and none of it matters at all. 

I choose to trust that the Lord has not called me to the life of routine and safety that I would love to lead. But instead, He has called me specifically to The World Race for this season. Even if that means a lot of money, sweat, stress, tears and blood. And through all of that, I will choose to focus on my Savior and worship my King. 

So yeah.

Women are mean. 

And I woke up with a sore throat. 

And the pain in my back increases by the second. 

And Facebook is covered with tragedy and negativity. 

And it feels like I'm never going to raise the $20,000 I need. 

And headaches don't care if I have work to do or people to see or places to go. 

And I have purses to mail and bracelets to sell and thank-you cards to write. 

And church. And work. And Bible study with my World Race group. And time

with my family. And that phone call from the girl who needs advice. And I have fundraisers

that need planning. And I need to spend time with my sister. And I want to swim. And I'm behind on 

that book I'm reading. Those 8 books I'm reading. And my head swells just from thinking about all this. And just when I think I am about to run out the door screaming and crying with my hands in the air and never looking back, I run into my Savior and He says those words. 

"Look at me."






Come see me here at: My World Race Page!!

This Place Will Drive You to Your Knees

The top of Laura's blog used to say, "This place will drive you to your knees."  

She used to tell me about the scenery there, as if to paint me a picture of her new life in Haiti. 

Combined with pictures on Facebook and her stories about Haitian life, my imagination was all I had to go by. And then I went there. And my understanding of a poverished, dark, third-world country became reality. From the second I stepped off the plane in Port-au-Prince, one phrase was always on my mind - this place will certainly drive you to your knees. 

When Laura asked me to guest post on her blog I was like, "Oh heck yeah!! God? Bring on the revelations!!" I'll say, I do love to tell of the crazy unthinkable’s He so often throws in my face. From answering really ginormous prayers to providing things I never even asked for, but needed. So, I was so-super-pumped to tell you about all the things He and I experienced together while in Haiti. It's been about a month now since my return to the states and I've erased and re-written this post at least four times. I can tell you what physically happened while I was there. And I can tell you how I physically reacted. What I cannot put into words, however, is what God did in my heart during it. The way I experienced Him - our communion. So after praying for many days about what the heck to write, this is what I've decided you need to know: I am two people in one - USA Ashli and Missionary Ashli. Hi, we're happy to meet you. 

Now before you go calling me skitzo, let me explain. Laura was home last month visiting family and friends and when I walked in the door to hang out with her she said, "You look so pretty. The last time I saw you was in Haiti and we were, well... not worried about being pretty." I guess I'll let that one slide, since I kinda like her but it reminded me of a conversation I overheard the day before. Someone in my hometown had heard that I was going on The World Race and like small-town talk does, it spread quickly. So my mom was on the phone with someone asking about it when I heard her say, "She is so high maintenance when she is here. She goes off with the girls for a weekend and takes 8 pairs of shoes. But send her to another country for 10 days and the girl takes 5 shirts." 

Now, you need to know that I love my comforts and conveniences as much as the next person. And the thought of purposely doing without them sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. When here in the States, I wash my hands before I eat, I NEVER sit on a public toilet, and if I go to a restaurant where the table isn't clean- well, I want a new table. I take warm showers, just because I can, I buy a new skirt simply because I think I deserve it, and you better believe if some part of my food touches the floor (or even table) it's going in the trash. I enjoy all the clothing options I have when getting dressed, pedicures are my absolute favorite, and I spend way too much money eating out. 

However, when in Costa Rica, I couldn't flush my toilet paper, I ate rice with EVERY meal, I wore some of the same clothes twice, I walked 2 miles barefoot down a Costa Rican semi-gravel road, and I played soccer in a field with more holes than solid ground (until I landed in one of those holes and tore up my ankle, that is. Thanks a lot, CR!) In Haiti, I took cold showers, I sat on EVERY toilet seat I used, if food fell on the floor I picked it up and ate it, I held children with skin diseases and sores, I kissed those children, I ate and drank after those children, I ate street food like it was nobody's business, I watched gnats have their way with my bare feet, and I rode a tap-tap for crying out loud with 10 or so other Haitians. 

 So this begs the questions, WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS CULTURE THAT MAKES US TAKE 8 PAIRS OF SHOES ON A WEEKEND TRIP?? When did we become so concerned with germs and hand sanitizer and toilet seat covers that we forgot to let God be God and control it all. When did we forget that "God made dirt and dirt don't hurt??" It seems I find myself constantly striving for this certain level of acceptance. But accepted by whom? And what makes us accepted? I feel most confident when I have on my favorite outfit, my cutest jewelry, and my pink lip-gloss. By the sounds of this, I feel most valued for things that cannot reach past my surface... literally. But pick me up and put me down in Haiti? Makeup isn't an option and who cares what you're wearing? There's work to be done and a Gospel to be told. I can't blame USA Ashli for wanting to hold on to the things she has grown accustomed to, for that's all she has ever known. But Missionary Ashli is screaming for simplicity. She's screaming for a world that sits on public toilets because heaven knows she's grateful it's not just another hole in the ground. She's screaming for a people who pick up fallen food from the floor and eat it because we either can't afford to waste that bite, or don't have time to go get more. She dreams of a culture that is more concerned with what a person is saying than what they look like when they are saying it. 

She craves a place that will drive you to your knees. 

Y'see, the thought of giving up the things that make our life easy just sounds like that disaster that's waiting to happen. Stripping ourselves of the very things we call 'blessing from God' does not sound like a very smart thing to do. But can I just tell you, reader, that in those times I have experienced God like no other time before. Don't hear me saying the Lord can't speak into any situation He so desires. But when we deny ourselves of the distractions that we label as "life necessities" we become open to a whole new desperation for our Creator. 

Because it's in those places that we find rest. It's those places that He tells me I'm beautiful with or without makeup and pearls. It's those places that we depend on Him to make it through this day and on to the next. 

What does this place look like for you? Maybe you're like me and it's about finding a place of simplicity, trust, and rest as opposed to the chaos of our corporate-ladder culture. Maybe you need to love better or surrender more. What is it that takes you to a place where only He can change you?

Where is the place that will drive you to your knees?