Leftover Pizza

She-would-not-let-go... like, for anything. I mean, she fights for 42 inches of height and we were in a 6ft. deep end, after all. Her grip was so tight I think I still have finger prints around my neck and this was two days ago. Because when the water around you doubles your height and you're too terrified to swim, you grab on for dear life to anything. Anything that will float and keep your head above water. When I stopped pulling at her small waist and she stopped screaming "Noooooooo!!" she heard me whisper calmly, "Azah. You have to stop holding on so tight and trust that I will not let go of you."
In the middle of all that quietness, I heard Him whisper too. Pretty much the exact same sentence, just insert  "Ashli." Like usual, I went on with whatever was in front of me - in this case, an innocent little black girl horrified of the countless gallons of water surrounding us. He'll be sure to bring it back up, He always does.


We were on our first family-that's-not-really-a-family road trip. Me + 3 African American children + no wedding ring = a whole lot of funny looks and a whole lot more fun.

 Brian

 Azah

Meikayla

Without the gory details, we were staying in a super fun hotel on the Mississippi River. Literally, on the river. It was complete with an indoor/outdoor restaurant/lounge with quaint outside seating on the riverside and an indoor pool for times like these. Three trips to the pool in two days ... we clearly took advantage of this indoor luxury. (Thank you Wal-Mart for having $6 swimsuits in the middle of January.) Our second night at the pool, we ordered pizza and cheesy-bread which only took Papa John's one hour to deliver, but who's counting when there is pool water, better yet - hot tub water, to be had? 

[Obviously, Meikayla (the eldest) was more concerned with the "cold pool" which had the "deep waters." Much too old and mature to be in the "kiddie pool" or "the hot one" which most of us ridiculous people know as a spa/jacuzzi.]

Now where was I? Oh yes! The pizza that we couldn't eat all of. Never fear; Cold pizza is better the next day, anyway. Regardless, we had big plans the next day! That's right... a basketball game. Apparently it is completely unacceptable for 8-year old Meikayla to share delicious cheesy nachos with me and 5-year old Azah. I'm 25... and the one paying... but what do I know? So, TWO orders of $4 nachos, please. (And bring on the jalapeños para mi, gracias!) Her "I want everything and I want it now" attitude didn't stop her from being one of the three most precious children in the place, though. Just check out these school-spirited outfits.... 

Speaking of an attitude-of-want, Meikayla thinks she is supposed to eat every. single. hour. (A not-so-great characteristic she got from her not-so-biological mother... aka: me.) Annoying as it may be, we carry it none the less. Which makes perfect sense for her to beg me for a piece of the leftover pizza every other time the clock strikes a new hour. At this point, we are on our way home. Allow me to use this time to let you know that our 150 minute drive home took a whopping FIVE hours. Yes, your read correctly. Due to my lack of road knowledge and apparent inability to listen to the GPS/ on my handy dandy Galaxy S, it took us just that long to get home. Read and follow road signs? Who does that? Not a chance...

Sooooo, where we should have been home by 3:30pm, we were still on the road at 5:30pm. And if you have done the math, you know that Meikayla has asked for pizza at least three times since lunch at noon. 

[Approximately 5:00pm] - something kinda funny happened. this is how it went down: 

MK:    Ms. Ashli, can we have some of the leftover pizza from yesterday? (As if this is a new         

question and I don't know to which pizza she is referring) 

Me:     Meikayla, what have I told you the last three times you asked?

MK:    That I need to wait til the next meal.

Me:     And is it time for our next meal?

MK:    Ummm? It's 5pm.... ?

Me:     Oh. Ok - if you will wait 30 minutes - just hold out a little longer- we are going to have a really, really good meal. Much better than leftover pizza ... a really good, hot meal. Just trust me on this one.

Silence. 

I thought to myself: "Gosh, kids are so much work. If only they could see the big picture. Then they would know that something better was waiting... and only 30 minutes away. I mean, that's right around the corner. Just be patient, for the love of Moses!!" 

Then I heard Him whisper, "Oh hey. You get that concept now?"

Silence. 

In retrospect, did God really just equate my desire for safety and comfort to clinging to ANYTHING that will float in the deep end? I think yes. And my desire for self and instant gratification to leftover pizza? I think yes. Did he really just teach me two important lessons about trust .... in one weekend.... with children... out of my own mouth? I think yes. 

At times I wonder if they are actually my words coming out. 

And like usual, I go on with whatever is in front of me. Paying attention to the shiny toys I crave more than I crave  time with Him. But He'll be sure to bring it back up.

He always does. 

I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Psalm 91:2 

What Happened?

Oh, here we are again. 


And surprise, surprise! I don't know where to begin. You could have guessed that one. 


Not only do I not know where to start this blog, but I don't know where to start much of anything. 


I'm something of a New Testament Paul in Romans 7. 

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" 

Hm, I'm not sure if I should say more. Need I?


You must excuse my wandering mind which fuels my typing. What's the word? I need an adjective. A descriptive word to tell you how I feel. One that will make you really understand the chaos, no... conviction, in my head and heart. 
I'm uneasy. No, I'm confused. Concerned? Guilty? Not. Ready. For. Life.  ... broken? What's the word you're feeling when your spirit is broken? Except not really broken. Ohhh, you know... when you should be wrecked.


shattered.


trashed.
and I don't mean with alcohol.


That season in your life when you know what's right- you just don't want to do it. And quite frankly, you don't. You know the wrong choice and  you choose it anyway. And, what's worse? You don't care. At least not in the moment. Because sin is attractive. Think of Eve. Remember her? Sure you do. That darn fruit was just way too juicy. Way too tempting. Too attractive. And when you're eating a big fat juicy apple, nothing else matters but the flavor savoring on your taste buds. So maybe it took a few sentences, rather than one informative adjective. The question remains: How the heck did this happen? See, this is hard ... because I fear what you may think of me. 


"Ashli, get it together. You serve Jesus. You love the Jesus you serve. And? You tell  people of this love and service. You describe Him and the way He gives you life and the way He makes you feel and your passion is not a secret and...." - - - - - -


"The person you are describing sounds legit. She sounds unmovable. Unshakable. Confident and holy in all her ways. She sounds so... passionate? That's not you."


Did I mention there are two people in my head? They literally go back and forth all day long. It's this sort of conversation that will drive a girl nuts. Sometimes I think there is an angel with a halo on one shoulder and a devil in a red suit on the other. For all intensive purposes, there are. 


What happened to my strength? Where did my assurance go? What about the times I could melt in His peace? And the countless hours I could sit .... with Him. Just sitting, and chatting - mostly listening for me. His words are more precious, anyway. What happened to His voice? Scratch that ... what happened to my ears? Where went the times of my hearing Him clearly and obeying? Oh, I hear His voice. I just don't want to. For in my sinful desires I want to ignore Him. I want Him to go away and I want to carry on about life serving me and my desires. So:


Here are the things I've noticed:

• I, Ashli - the human, crave pleasure. 
• I, Ashli - the human,  am unbelievably selfish with my time and who I want to serve with it
• I, Ashli - the human, have been worshipping religion - not Jesus

Here are the things I know:

• I, Ashli - the Christian,  crave His presence
• I, Ashli - the Christian, want His approval and want to serve Him with my time
• I, Ashli - the Christian, needn't attempt this temporary but relevant life on my own. 

I think if you're honest, you'll find these times in your life as well. In which case we can pray for one another. Heaven knows I need it. I'll even make you my best friend if someone, anyone, will humbly remind me that I-am-normal. Also? I'm just the kind of wretch a Perfect King would be crucified for. 


This is not a cry for help. Ok, yes it is. Because everyone knows that the scariest part of a Christian's walk is not facing storms or trials. It's not even facing death. But the scariest place a Christian can be in their walk is when they allow their flesh to defeat their spirit. Please, sweet Jesus help me. Please, precious friends and beloved readers pray this with me. And if, by chance, a connection is found between yourself and these transparent words... by all means let.a.sista.know. For we must intercede for one another. 


Oh my Father, I am desperate for you to save me from this. I am desperate to be desperate for You. Thank You for new mercies every second of every minute or every hour of every day. We need them all.