One day I will go...

I should probably start this post with a disclosure. First of all, the thoughts to follow are just as scrambled and out of place on here as they are in my mind - so bare with me. Secondly, this is me being very transparent with you. And yes, I am nervous about what you might think. 

"I was in corporate-America... and I was dying in it. Ash, you're right. There is more. When God says go, you don't ask why." My precious friend Sallie called to talk to me about my previous blog posts. Such an encouragement, that girl is. I missed her this summer - I long for Friday when I get to hear what God did in her life during the days I was not in Hattiesburg. She wants to hear about my summer too - she has no idea what she's in for :) Myself, Sallie and our precious Nunu....

I'll be honest. I don't know the word to describe what I am right now, the way I feel, or the things I think about. "Confused" isn't the word, neither is "torn." Maybe it's "waiting" .... "impatiently waiting" would likely be more suitable. Let me explain. Since the day I told Laura I couldn't go to Haiti with her, I have regretted it. Regretted isn't the right word there. I'm not unhappy with my life right now at all. I guess I should put it like this: the desire to "go" has not left me. However, the desire to be the hands and feet of Jesus and the desire to serve and the desire to stretch myself and the desire to need Him ... have only gotten stronger. 

Perhaps I'm wrong on this one, but I don't feel like I need God here. Now before you freak out, notice I did not say that I don't need God. I said, "I don't feel like I need God here." (I could do a whole new post on our feelings)  If I am hungry, I walk to  my refrigerator and choose from an abundance of fruits, meats, and vegetables. Or I walk to my car and drive to the nearest fast-food restaurant. If I am tired, I walk to my queen-size bed in my private bedroom and I go to sleep. If it rains, I stay inside. If it is cold I turn on the heater and if it is hot I turn on the air conditioner. If I am dirty I take a warm shower. When I am bored I watch TV or grab my computer. When I'm empty I read my bible and work on my current bible study. When I feel fat I go to the gym and when I feel skinny I go to Coldstone. I don't feel like I need God here. 

Am I begging to lose my comforts? Am I really asking God for a change that proves my need for Him? Am I crazy? Maybe so. If moving, or going, or staying, or waiting ... is what I have to do to (1) serve God and (2) recognize my TRUE need for Him, then call me crazy.... but I'm down.

Now, I know that I need Him. Oh boy, do I need Him every single day. But for whatever reason, He has given me a desire to watch Him do things that I would love to do but cannot. I read a clip from Katie Davis' blog today. (Look her up if you don't know who she is) She lives in Uganda with several adopted children of her own. She is single and she is 21 years old. She is amazing. She took in the crazy drunk man down the street and for an extended time, shared Jesus with him. He is now three months sober. That does not make sense. That cannot be explained by Katie. She had nothing to do with this man's restoration. A crazy drunk Uganda native gets taken in by a young white American girl, is nursed back to health, physically and emotionally, comes to know the Lord and is now back on his own. Katie did not do that. God did. Those are the things I desire to see. Those are the ways I desire to be used.

Here is the sticky part. And this is where I am afraid of your judgmental thoughts:

I have no idea what I am doing. I have no direction. Most people I talk to who have a heart for missions have one thing in common: the Lord has placed a specific people group on their hearts and they have a burning passion for those people. I, however, have not been so fortunate. I pray about this often. Today, this is what I said:

Father, I have no idea where to go. I have no idea when to go there. I don't even know if I am supposed to go. But I know that you are bigger than all my questions. You have given me this desire to go and do Your works. To take your name to all the nations.I don't know why there is not a certain country or people group on my mind and in my heart. But there isn't. So Lord, if in fact I am supposed to go to the ends of the earth, I beg you to show that to me. Open doors, close doors ... show me opportunities and let me walk through it boldly. Let me rest in your presence and let me drown out the voices trying to stop me. Let me hear Your voice, Father. Only Yours. 

Is it possible that God has not put a certain place on my heart because He is giving me freedoms to choose? Yes. It is possible that I learned all those years of Spanish because He is going to send me to Central or South America? Yes. Is it possible that He is going to tell me to sit right here in the United States of America and make His glory known? Absolutely.

Won't you pray this with me? Won't you pray that regardless the call, I will hear it clearly and respond obediently?

After all, Sallie said it well. "When God says go, you don't ask why."