To Mr. or Ms. Dissatisfied

Last night, as I was falling asleep, I scrolled through my Facebook newsfeed. When I saw a status my friend Jane* posted I thought, “Did she steal my diary?” Some of the things she wrote were the exact words I’ve written in journals, prayed, and said out loud to friends. As I wrote a response to her I realized this was much of what I’ve wanted to blog about for a long time but never could gather all the words.

How many words would it take to describe the journey of Truth that God has sent me to wildly on? How will I explain, in so many words, what He’s done in my heart?

So today I share with you, The Dissatisfied, my thoughts on leaving the American Dream.

Jane: "I have so much on my mind tonight. I don't really want to be here. My heart is in Costa Rica, but I'm trying to just focus on the fact that maybe God has me here for now."

Me to Jane: About 2 1/2 years ago, I was standing in my closet on the phone with my mentor and I'll never forget her words. In my complaining about how corporate America and the American Dream couldn't appeal less to me, she said, "Yeah, Ash. You just don't belong in the States. This just isn't where you're supposed to be."

Now, this was after MONTHS (maybe years) of me and God wrestling around with ideas about where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing. In 2010 I decided to follow Jesus with reckless abandonment and that was when He led me to the book Radical. That book shook me. I started questioning the American Dream and how to give it up. What would that even look like? What was I supposed to do? I remember sitting on my living room couch, looking around at all the cute home decorations and asking, "Am I supposed to sale all of this?" Now - I was still new at TRULY FOLLOWING Jesus so keep in mind that all of my questions during that time came from a very naive, "untrained" (if you will) heart.

So fast forward to early 2011 and I was horribly dissatisfied with life. I was happy, yes. I was still following Jesus and I had fun with my friends, ministry, and such. But I KNEW there was something more - something we were all missing. I still just didn't know where it was or how to find it.

I had just gone on my first mission trip (to Costa Rica, actually) and I was burning for more. Not even a good church service satisfied my hungry heart any longer. There was a part of God that I was not experiencing and it left me feeling shallow and superficial in my faith. Finally in February 2012 I took a step and applied for the World Race.

Ok pause there and let me attack this one, keeping the above information in mind...

Jane: "I also have my birthday on my mind. One month from today I'll be 28. And I'm single. That's crazy. It seems like all of my friends are married and having babies and all of their dreams are coming true."

Me to Jane: In college, I dated a guy for three years and in my mind I would never be with anyone else. I never even considered another guy being a part of my future because to me, when you date someone that long (no matter how unhealthy) you can just get stuck there. Therefore, to me, I was ready to marry him and then when we broke up that "ready for marriage" mindset just stayed with me. This isn't something I realized at the time but I now see in hindsight. So - any guy I dated after him I thought I would marry. I wasn't following Jesus at the time so I had a very worldly view of marriage. When I say worldly I don't necessarily mean sinful, I just mean that I was too young and immature to understand the TRUE values of a marriage.

Moving on... I think I could say that from that point on, I thought I could get married ‘any time now’. The next guy would be him. Then it ended. So the next guy would be him. Then it ended... and it went on and on. For years I watched my friends from all walks of life getting engaged, married, and having babies – and feeling like they were leaving me behind. Like they were in this club I had no way to be a part of.

Eventually that added to my dissatisfaction. Fast forward up to 2010. Now that I knew I was sold out for Christ, I thought I deserved a partner in ministry. A companion, a husband. It was my focus for a hot little minute and that's when God sent me into a whirlwind of studying and pursuing singleness with Him, my mentor, and a couple of other girls.

People would give me advice on how to "wait" and tell me analogies about how God put Adam to sleep to create Eve and how, when it's time, God will wake up my Adam and bla bla bla .... I've heard it all. Read all the books, blogs, articles, and bought all the t-shirts. There's no REAL advice I would give someone when it comes to waiting for their husband except this: it. is. worth. the. wait.