I'll Miss You

Dear Personal Blog, 


Because I'm expected to write more often on my World Race Blog, you're going to have to take a back seat. I know things like this are hard for you and I, as we prefer to ride shot-gun. But don't worry, I'll be posting the same type stuff right here and you can go there and read it anytime. I may even post the same articles on here from time to time. Yes, you'll have to share now and again. 


I love you dearly, Personal Blog, but I'd really love you more if you clicked here and took a gander at my official blog as a SEPTEMBER 2012 Route-1 WORLD RACER!!! :)


With all the love in my heart, 
Ashli

11 N 11

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Oh, how I cannot wait to share this post with you. To tell you what God has done.
what He has said.
what He has ordained.

My hope is that in a few days I will be able to post this blog explaining to you that the Lord has called me on what I believe will be the journey of a lifetime. A journey that will take me all over the world in 11 short months. A journey that will make me desperate for His power. A journey called The World Race. In the mean time, I want to tell you what He has already begun to muster up in me.

3 months ago I found out about WR and began to pray casually about it. A month ago I began to pray more consistently about it. 2 weeks ago I began to pray seriously about it. I'll say this: 2 months ago, anytime that sneaky World-Race-thought tried to surface, I pushed it right back down to the bottom of the prayer request list... where it belonged. As much as I love mission trips and traveling the world, no freaking way was I willingly leaving my parents, bed, clothes, shoes, income, and TV for a year. Sorry God, not happening.

He must've thought that was cute of me.

Because here I am, 60ish days later addressing the issue that is burning my heart to ashes. I'll be honest. This scares the ba-gee-beez out of me. I'm totally cool with leaving my bed and TV and I'm slowly accepting that I have to leave so many clothes and shoes behind. I've not, however, come to grips with leaving my family behind. I know it's still early and that the Lord is not done  preparing me or them for this big step.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

My interview for World Race was at 8:30am today. My phone rang at 8:28am. Thankfully I talked to Darci, a girl I had already been in contact with about WR so I felt comfortable with her. They want a doctor's release for my back. That shouldn't be a problem.

I will know if I have been accepted or not in the next 7 days. Oh, did I mention that in 7 days, at 6:00am I fly out to Haiti? Come. On. People. This is too much.... LONGEST.week.EVER.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a fraud.
If I get on a kick about something and when it dies down, I'm done with it.
While I know that to be true about some things in my life, I'm not so sure this is one of them.
When I had first began to pray "consistently" about WR, I found myself becoming more and more passionate every time I told someone about it. Not that I was praying about it, but just the opportunity of 11 countries in 11 months. Hesitantly, I asked Him, "Lord... if this is You, if this is really You calling me to abandon everything I know and travel for a year, then prove it. Don't let this passion in me die. In fact, make me even more enthusiastic tomorrow."

I'll say this: nothing has died down.

Sure, in the week I have been waiting for everything to be confirmed, the enemy has had a field day in my mind. From bachelorette weekends with my girlfriends - to dinner with people and the relationships I have been building with them - to the black kids I consider to be mine - I'm reminded of the very reasons I enjoy life here so much. And it's certainly not an easy task to die to your self every day. Well, it's death - and death is never easy.

I called Laura (the coolest Haiti missionary eva ... and, oh yeah, my bff). "Laura, remind me that I'm not crazy and that it's going to be worth it." I think God put Laura in my life for the sole purpose of speaking the right words at the right time. "Ashli. Ashli. Just listen to me. Fun weekends and shopping sprees and all the things we love as girls are great. They're so fun, they are. But at the end of your life, what value do they have? I love you and..." click. Stupid Haitian phone towers. I know what she meant. There is nothing wrong with having fun. But there is also NOTHING wrong with giving it up for a year to follow Jesus to 'all the nations.'

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I arrived in Haiti today. Laura asked me to guest post on her blog this week. I will share it with you and I can't wait.

Friday, March 9, 2012

I got home from Haiti late last night. I'm waiting to post this blog until I can tell all of my family about WR. I can't wait. The process seems to be flying by. I have an official WR blog and it's http://ashliblackwell.theworldrace.org/ so you'll want to follow me there. I need to start fund raising ASAP seeing as how I have to raise about $18,000. That number can be intimidating but I refuse to see it that way. There is no doubt in my mind that the Lord has called me to this and will therefore exercise His perfect provision. More details about WR to come... but for now,

This is me giving you permission to begin praying NOW :)

Saturday, March 10, 2012

I'm scared to death to post this blog. As if me posting this makes my commitment to World Race official or something. My countries are:

1. Zimbabwe/Botswana
2. Swaziland
3. South Africa
4. India
5. Philippines
6. China
7. Ukraine 
8. Moldova
9. Honduras
10. Nicaragua
11. Costa Rica/Panama 


Question? What are some creative ways to raise funds for this bad boy?? Feel free to comment your ideas, opinions, encouragement, and prayers! I love getting your feedback!!


With SO much love,
Ashli :)

Learning Lessons

Day 12


So basically, I hate this month. I hate chicken and eggs and whoever convinced me to do this whole challenge.


Wait. That was me.


Anyway.


I'm over going to things like wedding showers and a super bowl party and growth group and not being able to eat whatever they have. Yesterday? Rachel's wedding shower consisted of: a large variety of fruit conveniently placed by the chocolate fountain, a very large beautiful cake, an array of dips with their corresponding chips, two different flavored chicken wings, small sandwiches, casseroles and punch that was out of this world. (So I heard) I think there was probably a lot more this is all the goodness I can remember at a time.


This month is inconvenient.


But? Something very weird is happening. God is talking to me. Who would have thought?


Day 19


Well, I'll just say it. This is harder than I thought it would be. And I'm weaker than I thought I would be. Eating 7 foods sucks. So I cheat. Therefore, I suck. In my defense, I tried really hard not to cheat.... in the beginning. For the first little while, I was strong and secure in my decision with only 7 foods. And then one day it wasn't as convenient - and I had to eat - so I barely cheated. I mean, not even a big enough cheat to talk about. Until the next day it happened again. And before I knew it I was ordering pizza instead of chicken and green tea instead of water. Which leads me to day 19 where I sit with my friend at a buffet after church and devour a plate of anything and everything. So I sit on his couch to write this post and think, "How did I get to a place where cheating wasn't even a second thought?"


Maybe you, dear reader, couldn't care less if I eat fish or chicken or cheeseburger or turkey or pork. You probably don't even mind the fact that I cheat. But I do... well, I did. In the beginning.


I lament to myself about how strong I was when I started. I told everyone about the 7 challenge and how I intended to see it through. How it would change my life and how they should try it too. I was committed to the boundaries set out in front of me and I was up for the challenge. I-was-strong. But slowly it became "too hard." I gave in once, then twice, then three times and then... and then I ordered pizza and it was all over.


I was strong.
It got hard.
I caved.


Suddenly, this feels a lot like the way sin creeps in.

"Feed My Lambs"

Day TWO: it's 11:57 pm.

I suck at 7. It's only day two and I'm already bending the rules. What the heck is wrong with me? First, I HAD to have some of that to-die-for-sauce we talked about it. My chicken at lunch was just so plain and boring without it. Ok wait, let me back up. I should have said, "my second lunch" because my first attempt at lunch was at McAlister's with Ashley and Jillian. I tried to follow 7 guidelines but it just wasn't appealing. So I hardly ate - put it in a to-go box - and hit the road. After running errands I came home to cook chicken for growth group tonight and that's when I began to get hungry. Hence, my second lunch. All I had was chicken. No sides or anything.. AND I drank water. That's progress, right? I've tried to justify condiments in my mind so many times but none of them seem okay. Although dinner at growth group was "7-worthy" I didn't eat much because, let's get real, baked chicken and steamed broccoli can only be good so many times a day. So laying in bed, trying to fall asleep so I won't realize I'm hungry ... I realized I was hungry. "Oh, what I would give for just one oreo right now.  I need a small simple snack."

The temptation got the best of me. I went downstairs to find a snack - Lance's Cream Cheese Chives crackers - and they were marvelous. Walking back to my bedroom I justified my actions by thinking that I was too hungry to sleep. And there is no way God would want me to (1) be hungry and (2) lose sleep over it.  ...................... OH, the humanity. How arrogant of me to assume I was entitled to a midnight snack simply because God doesn't want me to suffer from a little hunger pains when there are people dying every minute from hunger.

So I began to research hunger. Big mistake.

Did you know that every 3.6 seconds someone dies of hunger? Or that one out of every eight children under the age of 12 in the U.S. goes to bed hungry every night? Half of all children under five years of age in South Asia and one third of those in sub-Saharan Africa are malnourished.

Therefore in the time it took me to write this post, 8 people have died from hunger - and obviously, I'm not one of them. I'm not even close to being one of them. I will probably never have to fight for life on account of lack of food. However there is a child somewhere in the world right now drawing his last breath as his mother looks on the scene weeping for her son. I begin to pray for these kids. These mothers. These families. Won't someone tell them about Jesus, and the hope we have in Him? 

In the midst of this, I found two neat websites where you and I can both help with world hunger. I realize that it's such a distant problem to most of us. The majority, if not all, of the people reading this are like me - and will never have to experience starvation. I know that if you could look into the eyes of a child who knows not where or when his next meal will be, it would become personal. The thing is, though, most people in America never will. You can help and here is how:

• Backpack Buddies is a local organization that provides for students in the Hattiesburg inner-city schools who suffer from a lack of food supply. There are children who, when they go home on Friday afternoon, are not able to eat until they return to school on Monday. The volunteers at BPB go to their school every Friday and stuff their backpacks with pantry items that they can eat over the weekend. (Selfishly, I'd like you to give your donations of food/money/time to BPB because it's the one I'm involved with and I know just how much help we need. But no pressure.)
• Bread for the World is an organization who urges decision maker's in our nation to help end hunger both here and in other countries. Their website is a great resource for facts on hunger. It also explains very clearly what they do and how we can help. 
• World Hunger Fund is a fund within the Southern Baptist Convention in which EVERY SINGLE DIME goes directly to end hunger. $0.20 of every dollar is spent in-house on hunger projects in the U.S. and $0.80 of every dollar are sent to the IMB (International Mission Board) for international projects. This is another great resource for facts and statistics on hunger. 

Suddenly, I'm not so hungry anymore.

Day FOUR:

I'm much more proud of myself today. I've cheated less. And by less, I mean not at all. Although I have had a headache for three days straight, this reduced eating thing might actually turn out well for my body. Look people, I don't know if you realize this but I'm getting virtually NO sugar in my blood flow and certainly no caffeine. You don't even understand what this means. Maybe it means headaches? Maybe its the cause of my un-Christ-like behavior. You just read "no caffeine" right? 

Regardless, I've decided to add a new touch to 7. Through reducing my life, I'm realizing just how easy we have it. There are certain conveniences Ashley and I are not enjoying this month. For one, we can't just go to growth group/town/dinner at a friend's house and eat whatever our hosts decide to prepare. I can't drive through Ward's on my way to work (daily) and get breakfast. Here's the point: I'm becoming much more aware of the abundant choices we have. People all over the world, including here, have almost no option to eat while our options are endless. So each month, we'll find an organization that's cause-worthy (ie Backpack Buddies) and donate to that cause. 

After all, I used to drive through Ward's everyday. That money's gotta somewhere, right? 

And if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry 

   and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, 

then your light will rise in the darkness, 

   and your night will become like the noonday. 

Isaiah 58:10

Month 1 of 7; Day 1 of 29

Before I get too far, I should tell you what I'm doing. In a nutshell it goes like this:
-Jen Hatmaker is a witty author. (Lots of my friends are so over hearing about my obsession with her - but like good friends do, they smile and listen... pretending to still care.)
-She wrote a book called "7: an Experimental Mutiny Against Excess."
-This is the basis of the book: 

-My friend Ashley and I are going to do this. 

-We bought Jen's book - read it - laughed our heads off - cried our heads off - God convicted our heads off ---- and well, here we are: at day one. 

Month One: Food 


Day One:


I woke up hungry, which isn't all that unusual. The next 29 days, however, will be anything but usual. As I lay here in my bed before going downstairs to start the first day of 7, I ponder what this month will be like. For the next month, I am only eating 7 food items. What will that do to me? How will that change or strengthen my relationship with my Father?

"This is a fast, a major reduction of the endless possibilities that accompany my every meal. It is supposed to be uncomfortable and inconvenient. Not because I'm a narcissist but because the discomfort creates space for the Holy Spirit to move. This shake-up of my routine commands my attention. I can no longer default to normal, usual, mindless, thoughtless. It's like having an eyelash under my contact all day. What will the Spirit do with this new space? I don't know. We'll see. It's His to engineer. I won't box Him in or assume I know what He'll say. I'm not going to project my goals onto His movement. I have simply said, 'Jesus, may there be less of me and my junk and more of You and Your kingdom.' I will reduce so He can increase." - Jen Hatmaker

That's how I feel. Who knows what will happen over the next 7-ish months? It's His to engineer. We will see. So here is how this is going to go down: February is "food month" which I like to think was God's divine provision because He knew I would need as few days as possible to fast from the thing that I may or may not love more than anything else on the planet: food. I'm a foodie - and I don't mean in a good way. I eat things that are way too unhealthy and I eat abnormal amounts of it. I mean, I just like food, ok? THEREFORE, this month will be trying - I know - but, fingers crossed, it will also be refreshing and make me grateful. Oh, my list? Ok... here it is:


1. Wheat Bread
2. Eggs
3. Turkey
4. Chicken
5. Broccoli
6. Strawberries
7. Squash


In Jen's words, this healthy roll call will be washed down with water and that's that. Ashley, my faithful companion, has decided to narrow her habit down to only 2 cups of coffee a day - as opposed to 5 or 6. How sacrificial of her, huh? So I figure if she can still have coffee, I can still have milk. But only at breakfast. Any time else will be some straight up H2O - hold the lemon and splenda, please!


As far as giving some life to my array of choices up there, salt, pepper, and Tony's will do the trick. No condiments or seasonings for this gal. (Shoot me now.) Now is a good time to tell you that my dad's friend has created this sweet/spicy BBQ/ketchup sauce that is TO.DIE.FOR. Listen to me people, this stuff is the bomb. I plan a meal around this sauce and what I can put it on. Bye-bye to-die-for sauce, see you in a few weeks.


__________________________________________________________________________________


11:45 pm on Day One:


Ok, so maybe this won't be so bad. I can already tell that breakfast is going to be the worst part. I am by far a breakfast girl. I'm the one who shouts "Cracker Barrel" or "Waffle House" when deciding with friends where to eat because I know I can get breakfast food there any time of the day or night. And now, for the next few weeks, eggs are pretty much my only option for breakfast. And toast too, but this is going to get really old really fast. My breakfast this morning?

Note to self: Tony's does not make scrambled eggs taste better. Maybe it was due to the unimaginable busy work day, but the rest of the day was fairly easy. You wouldn't believe how many different ways you can have chicken.


I didn't stop long enough to think about the spiritual effects of today. I was too busy planning meals that consist of my reduced menu. I know one thing is for sure though. I cannot wait to experience the Spirit in this newfound space.


Thank you for joining me on this journey. Talk to ya in a few days :)

Leftover Pizza

She-would-not-let-go... like, for anything. I mean, she fights for 42 inches of height and we were in a 6ft. deep end, after all. Her grip was so tight I think I still have finger prints around my neck and this was two days ago. Because when the water around you doubles your height and you're too terrified to swim, you grab on for dear life to anything. Anything that will float and keep your head above water. When I stopped pulling at her small waist and she stopped screaming "Noooooooo!!" she heard me whisper calmly, "Azah. You have to stop holding on so tight and trust that I will not let go of you."
In the middle of all that quietness, I heard Him whisper too. Pretty much the exact same sentence, just insert  "Ashli." Like usual, I went on with whatever was in front of me - in this case, an innocent little black girl horrified of the countless gallons of water surrounding us. He'll be sure to bring it back up, He always does.


We were on our first family-that's-not-really-a-family road trip. Me + 3 African American children + no wedding ring = a whole lot of funny looks and a whole lot more fun.

 Brian

 Azah

Meikayla

Without the gory details, we were staying in a super fun hotel on the Mississippi River. Literally, on the river. It was complete with an indoor/outdoor restaurant/lounge with quaint outside seating on the riverside and an indoor pool for times like these. Three trips to the pool in two days ... we clearly took advantage of this indoor luxury. (Thank you Wal-Mart for having $6 swimsuits in the middle of January.) Our second night at the pool, we ordered pizza and cheesy-bread which only took Papa John's one hour to deliver, but who's counting when there is pool water, better yet - hot tub water, to be had? 

[Obviously, Meikayla (the eldest) was more concerned with the "cold pool" which had the "deep waters." Much too old and mature to be in the "kiddie pool" or "the hot one" which most of us ridiculous people know as a spa/jacuzzi.]

Now where was I? Oh yes! The pizza that we couldn't eat all of. Never fear; Cold pizza is better the next day, anyway. Regardless, we had big plans the next day! That's right... a basketball game. Apparently it is completely unacceptable for 8-year old Meikayla to share delicious cheesy nachos with me and 5-year old Azah. I'm 25... and the one paying... but what do I know? So, TWO orders of $4 nachos, please. (And bring on the jalapeños para mi, gracias!) Her "I want everything and I want it now" attitude didn't stop her from being one of the three most precious children in the place, though. Just check out these school-spirited outfits.... 

Speaking of an attitude-of-want, Meikayla thinks she is supposed to eat every. single. hour. (A not-so-great characteristic she got from her not-so-biological mother... aka: me.) Annoying as it may be, we carry it none the less. Which makes perfect sense for her to beg me for a piece of the leftover pizza every other time the clock strikes a new hour. At this point, we are on our way home. Allow me to use this time to let you know that our 150 minute drive home took a whopping FIVE hours. Yes, your read correctly. Due to my lack of road knowledge and apparent inability to listen to the GPS/ on my handy dandy Galaxy S, it took us just that long to get home. Read and follow road signs? Who does that? Not a chance...

Sooooo, where we should have been home by 3:30pm, we were still on the road at 5:30pm. And if you have done the math, you know that Meikayla has asked for pizza at least three times since lunch at noon. 

[Approximately 5:00pm] - something kinda funny happened. this is how it went down: 

MK:    Ms. Ashli, can we have some of the leftover pizza from yesterday? (As if this is a new         

question and I don't know to which pizza she is referring) 

Me:     Meikayla, what have I told you the last three times you asked?

MK:    That I need to wait til the next meal.

Me:     And is it time for our next meal?

MK:    Ummm? It's 5pm.... ?

Me:     Oh. Ok - if you will wait 30 minutes - just hold out a little longer- we are going to have a really, really good meal. Much better than leftover pizza ... a really good, hot meal. Just trust me on this one.

Silence. 

I thought to myself: "Gosh, kids are so much work. If only they could see the big picture. Then they would know that something better was waiting... and only 30 minutes away. I mean, that's right around the corner. Just be patient, for the love of Moses!!" 

Then I heard Him whisper, "Oh hey. You get that concept now?"

Silence. 

In retrospect, did God really just equate my desire for safety and comfort to clinging to ANYTHING that will float in the deep end? I think yes. And my desire for self and instant gratification to leftover pizza? I think yes. Did he really just teach me two important lessons about trust .... in one weekend.... with children... out of my own mouth? I think yes. 

At times I wonder if they are actually my words coming out. 

And like usual, I go on with whatever is in front of me. Paying attention to the shiny toys I crave more than I crave  time with Him. But He'll be sure to bring it back up.

He always does. 

I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Psalm 91:2 

What Happened?

Oh, here we are again. 


And surprise, surprise! I don't know where to begin. You could have guessed that one. 


Not only do I not know where to start this blog, but I don't know where to start much of anything. 


I'm something of a New Testament Paul in Romans 7. 

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" 

Hm, I'm not sure if I should say more. Need I?


You must excuse my wandering mind which fuels my typing. What's the word? I need an adjective. A descriptive word to tell you how I feel. One that will make you really understand the chaos, no... conviction, in my head and heart. 
I'm uneasy. No, I'm confused. Concerned? Guilty? Not. Ready. For. Life.  ... broken? What's the word you're feeling when your spirit is broken? Except not really broken. Ohhh, you know... when you should be wrecked.


shattered.


trashed.
and I don't mean with alcohol.


That season in your life when you know what's right- you just don't want to do it. And quite frankly, you don't. You know the wrong choice and  you choose it anyway. And, what's worse? You don't care. At least not in the moment. Because sin is attractive. Think of Eve. Remember her? Sure you do. That darn fruit was just way too juicy. Way too tempting. Too attractive. And when you're eating a big fat juicy apple, nothing else matters but the flavor savoring on your taste buds. So maybe it took a few sentences, rather than one informative adjective. The question remains: How the heck did this happen? See, this is hard ... because I fear what you may think of me. 


"Ashli, get it together. You serve Jesus. You love the Jesus you serve. And? You tell  people of this love and service. You describe Him and the way He gives you life and the way He makes you feel and your passion is not a secret and...." - - - - - -


"The person you are describing sounds legit. She sounds unmovable. Unshakable. Confident and holy in all her ways. She sounds so... passionate? That's not you."


Did I mention there are two people in my head? They literally go back and forth all day long. It's this sort of conversation that will drive a girl nuts. Sometimes I think there is an angel with a halo on one shoulder and a devil in a red suit on the other. For all intensive purposes, there are. 


What happened to my strength? Where did my assurance go? What about the times I could melt in His peace? And the countless hours I could sit .... with Him. Just sitting, and chatting - mostly listening for me. His words are more precious, anyway. What happened to His voice? Scratch that ... what happened to my ears? Where went the times of my hearing Him clearly and obeying? Oh, I hear His voice. I just don't want to. For in my sinful desires I want to ignore Him. I want Him to go away and I want to carry on about life serving me and my desires. So:


Here are the things I've noticed:

• I, Ashli - the human, crave pleasure. 
• I, Ashli - the human,  am unbelievably selfish with my time and who I want to serve with it
• I, Ashli - the human, have been worshipping religion - not Jesus

Here are the things I know:

• I, Ashli - the Christian,  crave His presence
• I, Ashli - the Christian, want His approval and want to serve Him with my time
• I, Ashli - the Christian, needn't attempt this temporary but relevant life on my own. 

I think if you're honest, you'll find these times in your life as well. In which case we can pray for one another. Heaven knows I need it. I'll even make you my best friend if someone, anyone, will humbly remind me that I-am-normal. Also? I'm just the kind of wretch a Perfect King would be crucified for. 


This is not a cry for help. Ok, yes it is. Because everyone knows that the scariest part of a Christian's walk is not facing storms or trials. It's not even facing death. But the scariest place a Christian can be in their walk is when they allow their flesh to defeat their spirit. Please, sweet Jesus help me. Please, precious friends and beloved readers pray this with me. And if, by chance, a connection is found between yourself and these transparent words... by all means let.a.sista.know. For we must intercede for one another. 


Oh my Father, I am desperate for you to save me from this. I am desperate to be desperate for You. Thank You for new mercies every second of every minute or every hour of every day. We need them all.